She's Having My Baby...My Journey Through Surrogacy by Mary




 

So here it is my story of surrogacy.

So some background of how we got here. In order to get pregnant with my first child we needed IVF. Three rounds of IVF after two rounds of Clomid and one IUI. It was exhausting, physically and emotionally on my husband and I as individuals and on our marriage. Then, once pregnant with my daughter, she was born at 32 weeks after months of on/off bed rest. The pregnancy was the scariest time in my life. I bled often. Every time I seemed to exert myself even a little it seemed that I was making a negative impact (e.g. high blood pressure, bleeding, cramping etc.) After my daughter was born, she spent time in the NICU. I wasn't allowed to see her for the first twenty-four hours except in Poloroid pictures that they would bring to me because I was still heavily medicated from the birth. The NICU scared me. We were lucky and blessed though; she came home and she is healthy. Thank goodness!

I have always wanted more than one child. Both my husband and I are close to our own siblings and we wanted that opportunity for our daughter. When speaking to the ob/gyn, he told us we had over a 60 percent chance of delivering our next child prematurely if I were to get pregnant again. He said, "Your body just doesn't do pregnancy well". We were terrified of not giving a child a fair shot at life by coming into this world too early. I also knew that with my almost certain extended bed rest with any pregnancy, I was scared that I would miss out on too much of my daughter's life.

So we had to look at other options since getting pregnant for us was not one of them. Surrogacy, adoption, or status quo? For us, it was surrogacy. Not a decision we came to lightly and not before we had done our due diligence. I am certainly aware of the opin-ions that are out there regarding surrogacy. Some feel that it was a great option. Others have some issues with it including: they feel we were blessed with one healthy child so why rock the boat; that there are so many children out there waiting to be adopted that we should have gone that route; or they may have difficulty with the financial aspect of it. I am not going to defend our decision. Instead I will say that for the most part, we have been blessed to be surrounded by friends and family who have supported our decision. We are grateful for their friendships, their love and their support.

So with the decision made, we interviewed agencies and found the agency we thought would work best for us. The agency we chose was Parenting Partners run by Shirley Zager in Gurnee, IL. We chose this agency because we could tell that she knew her stuff and she would give each case the personal attention it deserved. After speaking with three other Intended Parents (what hopeful parents are referred to) that Shirley gave me as references, the one thing that stood out above all was that Shirley made great matches between the Intended Parents and the Surrogate. It ended up being true in our case as well.

I had received a call from Shirley that there were two possible surrogates that were potential matches. She told me about both. Immediately, I was drawn to one. I loved that she worked with children. As a teacher, this immediately connected the two of us in my head. I wanted to learn more about her. Shirley sent me a profile. The more I read the more I knew I wanted to meet her.

We met with Shirley and the surrogate all together. It was surreal. I kept thinking as everyone was talking ..Is this woman really going to carry my baby? Is this really happening? I felt like I couldn't take my eyes off her. I needed to know that she would keep him/her safe. I was going to entrust her with my child. Someone I barely knew. Was I crazy? Is this what a mother does? Doesn't it go against everything we are taught to do as mothers? Never leave your child alone. Never leave him/her with someone you don't know. I realized I was terrified. How would I know she wouldn't take my baby and run? Well, two reasons. First, (and this is the first time I knew we would get a long) she offered up her children as collateral (she had a sense of humor and knew how to calm a tense situation). Second, there was compensation involved. I needed to know that she was walking away with something that is something that was worth it for her and her family. It's as basic as - As much as I wanted a baby I needed her to want the money for her family. We all agreed we were a match and the process began. ..quickly.

The four of us, my husband, our surrogate, her husband and myself had to all be med-ically and psychologically screened. We all passed. We then had to meet with the fertility doctor (the man of the hour). After that, it was on to speaking with lawyers and drawing up contracts.

Again the worry sets in ..are we doing the right thing? What if this doesn't work and we have already spent all this money that we aren't going to get back? There were moments I would get angry that we had to pay money to have a child when the majority of the population could have them "for free".

We went through one cycle. It failed even with the genetic testing. The second round though was a success! Without people like her, my husband and I would never feel as complete as we do now. We are amazed by her strength and courage and I will be for-
ever grateful to her.

The next several weeks were great. We got to see the baby through the eighth week on an ultrasound monitor. Our surrogate had to travel 6 hours each week to do this but in my mind it was totally worth it.. In the later months, we did the 6 hours of traveling several times so that we could go to her doctor's appointments. I know the traveling bothered her but it never bothered me. For me it was always worth it. Even if it was only to get an hour with her, it meant we got to be closer to my baby.

At the end of the eighth week, she was released from the IVF center and told to contact her OB. He treated her like a normal pregnant woman, not a high risk patient like I had been. She scheduled two appointments, five weeks from one another. I was worried. No, terrified. I asked her to call him and have it changed to see him sooner. No, I did not ask....I pleaded. I begged. I cried. I said I would call and get it changed. She said no, that she was not going to go the doctor sooner than he had asked. Forget terrified, now I was angry. I wanted her to see the doctor sooner. What if something were to go wrong like it had in my last pregnancy? What right did she have not to go when I asked her to? It was my baby that I was asking to be looked at! Who the heck did she think she was? Who was in control here? Well clearly it was not me.

I had to come to the realization and not easily that it was her body and she made the decisions. I had given up that control the second my baby was transferred to her. I couldn't control what she ate, drank, how much sleep she got or when she went to the doctor. I just had to trust her. Disclaimer: I am an east-coaster so this took some time and more importantly I have a type A personality. I don't give up control easily...of any-
thing...I'm good at control. Lucky for me she understood that my anger was out of fear however I must admit that this situation did put a strain on our relationship for a little while. I feel bad about this but know that with neither one of us having gone through this before, we were bound to have a bump here and there. We would get through it.

At the twenty week ultrasound, I realized two things. I did trust her and I did trust that my husband and I made the best decision for our family. Something I had already known but just needed to hear louder in my head and with more conviction. It helped to remind myself often like a montra that she had normal pregnancies in the past and she was not high risk. Also, for us we realized it would make us feel more connected to the pregnancy to find out the sex of the baby. It was one of the best decision we made. My husband who swore up and down that it didn't matter if we were having a boy or a girl, cried the second they announced we were having a boy. I loved that moment. By feeling more connected, it allowed me to trust her more and trust in the situation more.

We had asked our surrogate to communicate with us once a week to let us know how she was feeling, how the baby was doing, etc. We asked her to call us so we wouldn't interrupt her family life. She could either call my hubby or me. She said she would call on Fridays. She called some of the time. She mostly called my husband. I don't know if she ever knew but I would count down the days until Friday till I would hear from her. She was my lifeline to the baby. I was missing everything….the kicking, the movements, the hiccups, the hearing of the heartbeat, the heartburn, the sleepless nights, the belly, etc. I wanted to hear about it all even if nothing had changed from the previous week.

For her it may have been just another ordinary day in her life but for me it was the event of a lifetime. When she didn't call, I would wonder if she was okay....if my baby was okay. Now I realize she had a life beyond this baby. Heck she has three kids of her own with schedules that you need a cruise director to manage so I understand that she is busy. I am just saying for us it was a way to feel connected to our baby..

Getting ready for the birth was a process. I tried to donate our baby’s cord blood to a public bank and was told that morally they couldn't accept it because of the situation. What situation? It was my egg, my husband's sperm! We wanted to help the public at large, give back to science the way it had given to us. I made several attempts to do this only to be turned down. I feel I should have pushed harder. This is a regret.

My husband and I talked to the OB and our surrogate about the logistics of the birth. Our surrogate allowed my hubby and I both to be in the room for the birth along with her own husband. I am so grateful for that. The OB also allowed us to induce at 39 weeks to ensure that we would be there for the birth since we lived hours away. Thank goodness for this. By the time she checked into the hospital, she was already three centimeters dilated and having contractions three minutes apart. They also had a snow and ice storm the next day so it was good we got down there when we did.

We also asked him if we would have our own room after the baby was born so we could have some privacy. We felt that we had already shared and had given up so much of that intimate time of getting to know the baby during pregnancy that we wanted so much to have as much private time as possible when meeting our baby during the first 48 hours. We did get a private room which was great

During the birth I was literally front and center and amazed at every moment. I got to see the birth in its entirety. My hubby on the other hand was up by our surrogate's head about three feet from her hunched over looking like he was getting an enema and having an asthma attack. Our surrogate did fantastic! After three pushes our son was out. He was here! The midwife laid him on her belly and handed my husband and I each a pair of scissors to cut the cord. Just like that in one cut, he went from being connected to her to being totally ours. Again I asked myself was this real? While the nurses were cleaning him and cleaning themselves off since he had just peed on one of them, I turned back to our surrogate. She was bleeding….a lot. More than I think even she realized (being that she was on her I-phone changing her Facebook status!). I realized something wasn't right when I looked at the midwife's face and she looked was nervous. I asked the nurse if our surrogate was okay. She said she was and not to worry. If there was a real problem they would have called for the doctor. More blood. Our surrogate threw up. The midwife called for the doctor. In one moment, all I could think was that in my need to be a mother for the second time, did I put her three children in jeopardy of losing their mother? I was frozen in between wanting to go to her and staying next to my baby.

Apparently, I had formed more of a connection with her then I thought I realized. I was truly paralyzed with the fear that she was not going to be okay. Thank God moments later and a couple of injections later she was fine.

Our surrogate left the hospital that night because she ROCKS at pregnancy and birth. She actually drove herself home. Unbelievable I know, but true all the same. She said it was one of the ways she chose to protect herself from the possible let down of the feelings she would have after she gave birth. From what I hear, her friends have been amazing. Supportive to the point of visiting her while she was in the hospital, throwing her a non-baby shower, phone calls and supportive comments on Facebook. I am so glad she has them and from my viewpoint, they are lucky to have her as a friend.

We stayed in the hospital longer because the baby needed to be there for 24 hours and then we ended up staying longer because of the ice storm. During that time our surrogate visited with us and our son. When she was getting released from the hospital and I thought it was the last time I would see her, my emotions took over and as we hugged we cried. How do you say goodbye to someone who gave you a piece of your life that helps you feel complete? Incomprehensible!

Well turns out it wasn't goodbye just "talk to you later". We have chatted a lot since then. More than just once a week. Some say it's because she needs more communication now to help her gain some closure because it's hard for her to let go. Maybe that's it or maybe it's because we have been through a lot together and somewhere along the way we became two mothers (baby mama (me) and belly mama (her) as we refer to each other) who became friends.

I would like to keep our friendship going so that our son knows his history. She will always be a part of it. I feel that our surrogate and my husband and I are all equally strong people for having navigated through this process. I am proud of all of us.