Could You Be A Surrogate Mother?

by Shirley Zager, CPC

 
There have been an estimated 27,000 births via surrogate mothers around the world since the mid 1970s.With infertility on the rise, more couples than ever are facing the prospect of a future without children. For some of these couples, surrogacy may be the only option for a biologically-related child.

Most couples who choose surrogacy to build their family have been married for a number of years, have had extensive infertility treatment and do not already have children at home. Most surrogate mothers are married, have given birth to one or more children and have a job or means of support.
The average surrogate is 25-37 years old. They do not smoke, drink or use recreational drugs. Surrogates tend to be in excellent general and reproductive health, with a history of easy conceptions and uneventful pregnancies.

When surrogates use their own egg for conception they are called “traditional” surrogates. When they do not, they’re “gestational” surrogates. In the 1980’s, most surrogates conceived the baby via artificial insemination. In 2007, over 90% of surrogates conceive through “in vitro fertilization,”
using embryos created from the parents’ eggs and sperm or ones created with the father’s sperm and donated eggs. Here is Illinois, that’s a special advantage. If the surrogate’s egg is not used, the intended parents can go right on the birth certificate. If it is, the father’s wife may have to complete a “step-parent adoption” to be recognized as the legal mother. In most states, traditional surrogates have the same legal rights as birth mothers in adoption and could decide not to give up the baby. The good news is that surrogate mothers (whether related to the baby or not) rarely change their minds.

Prospective parents express worry about bonding to the baby when their surrogate is the genetic mother. Surrogate mothers often express the same concern. Megan Thomas, a traditional surrogate, carried a baby girl for friends in 2004. Asked about bonding, Megan said, “I knew there was doing to be some bonding to a child growing inside me. It was going to happen no matter whose egg was used. My eggs would have just gone through a cycle and been gone. The thing I had to keep in mind was that this baby would not have come into the world except for the desire of the intended parents to have a baby of their own. They came to me for help. I simply took care of their baby until she was ready to be born.” Megan said also that she has no regrets about having given up a baby that was genetically related to her. “I was fine after the birth, “The minute I delivered her, I felt happy for the parents. When I see them as a family, it makes me feel good.” Now in a new arrangement as a gestational surrogate, Megan looks forward to having another “surro” baby, this time for Chicago area parents.

In spite of the extra legal risks, a small number of couples still choose the more straight-forward and medically less invasive traditional surrogacy to build a family. “Jim and Denise” in Illinois are among that group. After several miscarriages, Denise tried in-vitro fertilization to get pregnant. When several attempts failed, they decided to pursue surrogacy and signed up with Parenting Partners. Said Denise, “We wanted a surrogate who was healthy and fertile but also one who knew what she was getting into, someone who had thought about how she’d feel giving up a baby (biologically) related to herself.” Now parents of a five year old daughter, Denise and Jim still communicate with their traditional surrogate - a settled down, happily-married married mother who “loved being pregnant” but who didn’t want more children of her own.

In the Parenting Partners program, the surrogates and husbands (once matched), go through medical and psychological evaluations for the intended parents’ fertility clinic. The medical side may include blood work, exams and ultrasounds. Kim Goehl, RN, a staff nurse for IVF 1, a fertility clinic
in Naperville, said that surrogates need to be honest with the fertility clinic about their pregnancy history. She said “They need to tell the clinic about any caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, herbal supplements or sleeping pills they’re using. She said also that surrogates have to understand the seriousness of what they’re embarking on and take their role very seriously”.

The psychological evaluation is helpful to assess surrogates’ comfort level and expectations going through the process. An “MMPI,” an assessment questionnaire, may also be administered. Counselors may want to explore what type of support the surrogates have from their husbands and family, and how they’ll deal with questions or objections from those who don’t agree with
their decision to carry for others. Marie Davidson, PhD., staff psychologist for Fertility Centers of Illinois, said “ Surrogates need an understanding of the process. They need to think about issues such as multiples, selective reduction, termination, possible birth complications, emotional attachment and difficulties that may arise in their relationship with the intended parents.” She added: “it’s part of the statute in Illinois that everyone has a mental health evaluation.”

The surrogates’ husbands need to understand they will make some sacrifices, too. They will need to go with their wives for some appointments and meetings, help out with shots, do extra babysitting or errands and, most difficult, refrain from sexual relations for periods of time during a cycle and/or pregnancy. Tracy Bradburn, who delivered for a Chicago couple in October, 2007, said being a surrogate can be hard on a husband. Tracy said, “My husband never knew what kind of mood I’d be in each day. He put up with a lot of crabbiness.” Megan Gearhart, who is hoping to carry a second time for a couple, “It gets harder and harder to find willing babysitters, arrange
time off work and still take care of our own kids and lives.”

Although it’s difficult to talk about, couples and surrogates should discuss fees and expenses. This can be uncomfortable when surrogates meet their couples initially. The intended parents are responsible for medical and psychological screening for their surrogates and also any legal work on her behalf. They are also responsible for their fees and expenses. These expenses may include cycle fees, babysitting, lost wages for the surrogate and/or her husband, maternity clothes, travel and lodging costs and any needed health or life insurance premiums, deductibles, co-pays or co-insurance amounts. Intended parents sometimes assume that surrogates’ health insurance will pick up the cost of fertility treatment and medications. However, it should not be used for anything other than the surrogate’s pregnancy care and delivery. While the surrogates’ insurance plans are used to the fullest extent possible, the Intended parents need to understand and agree that they will be responsible for any co-payments, deductibles, co-insurance amounts, uncovered costs or denied claims for up to two years after the birth. Here in Illinois, state law requires that all surrogates be on
a private insurance plan. Currently, the average fee for “first time” surrogates is $20,000 to $25,000 . Experienced surrogates typically ask $23-000-$28,000 as a base fee. Valerie Hanes, a two-time surrogate, delivered sons for two different couples She had mixed feelings about taking a fee for
her help. “Every time I got a check, I felt guilty, she said. “But the wear and tear on me was there.”

A legal contract formed between the parties will also spell out how compensation will be paid to the surrogate. Illinois law requires the use of an escrow account and does not permit intended parents to pay compensation directly. Fees are typically paid monthly, starting when a pregnancy has been confirmed by ultrasound. Marcy B, Miller, a Chicago attorney specializing in reproductive agreements, said money is one of the reasons surrogates need to have a legal agreement in place before starting any procedures. She said, “Surrogates have to think about what is going to happen if bills aren’t paid or the intended parents don’t come through with their promises. What if the parties wind up in court? A written document provides evidence of intentions and avoids a “he said, she said” situation.”

Telling your children (or others) about being a surrogate may also present challenges. Rose Devera, who carried a couple’s daughter, has been a nanny and also runs a daycare from her home. “I told my five year old and nine year old that I was going to take care of a baby like I did the daycare kids
but also carry it inside me, “ She added: “I told my kids that this baby is not ours and won’t be staying here after being born.” My older daughter old seemed to understand it wasn’t our baby. I couldn’t tell what my five year old thought of the idea. She basically didn’t say much during the whole pregnancy.”

Athena Mrozik said she told her oldest child first, before telling the other children. “She knew about the birds and the bees, so this made it a little easier to explain it to her. I told her this would not be our baby, just put inside me to grow. “ Her daughter wanted to be sure this meant she wouldn’t have any more brothers or sisters. “I told her, no, this is the couple’s baby. “She broke into a smile and said, “Good. I don’t want to share my room!” Athena said she was also straightforward with her own mother, other family members and friends. “Most of the people in my family were happy for me. They all had children of their own, so they understood why I wanted to help a couple become a family. I was always happy to answer any questions”

Tracy Bradburn said people had a lot of questions when she told them she was a surrogate. Some people wanted to know how she could give up the baby. She said she told them, “the baby is not genetically mine I’m just the easy-bake oven!” People asked: “how is that?” She would explain: “The father’s sperm and his wife’s egg were mixed together, Then a doctor put
the baby in me to grow. I am not genetically related.” Once they understood, some said, “I never met a surrogate before. That’s kind of cool!”

Donna Pattison, who delivered delivered twins for a couple in Chicago and then a singleton for another, said, “If I could give potential surrogates one piece of advice it would be this: “Being a surrogate is a huge commitment. There are times when the surrogacy will need to take priority
over the other things you have going on in your life. You must realize this and be willing to let it take precedence. It can be a long and trying process with a lot of appointments for testing, monitoring and procedures. Then, there’s the nine months of pregnancy and delivery. Each stage has its ups and downs. Be ready for this. Remember, you are holding a couple’s hope and dreams in your hands and carrying their child’s life in your body. Do everything you can to make it happen. When that long awaited child is placed in his/her parents’ arms for the first time, the joy and pride you will feel is amazing. And remember, you are amazing, too! “

For more information about being a surrogate, call 847 782-0224 or visit on-line at www.parentingpartners.net

Copyright 2007 Parenting Partners